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HAPPY NEW YEAR, CUJO!

December 30, 2010

It is about 45 degrees out today, with a 12-mile an hour wind making it damn chilly! The sun

is shining, making it a nice day to walk down the road to put my latest netflix selection into the mailbox.  It only takes about ten minutes to walk to the mailbox. I have done it many times, and it has never been a particularly HAZARDOUS walk–that is,

UNTIL TODAY…

I was just walking along, thinking that it might’ve been a good idea to have worn TWO sweatshirts instead of just one, and maybe my gloves would’ve been helpful too.  I walked past the first neighbor’s house in perfect safety. They have two big dogs that go BARKBARKBARK when you walk by, drive by or do most anything in the front yard. Those two dogs might be nasty fellows to meet on the same side of the fence, but luckily, I have never seen them out and on the loose.

The house on the corner is rented to a tenant and they are new here. I didn’t realize that they had a dog until today.

I was approaching, just walking along the road (with my netflix), headed for the mailbox and here is this big dog, and well–

HE SEEMED TO BE VERY MAD AT ME.

Was it my netflix that irked him? It is red (like a bullfighter’s cape)?

Was it because he was locked out of his yard and he felt threatened by some lady that had the nerve to walk by his house?

OR WAS IT BECAUSE HE WAS A BIG MEAN STUPID IDIOT DOG THAT JUST FELT LIKE ATTACKING ME???

Well, chances are–I will never know.

What I DO know..is that I was walking along, minding my business, JUST GOING to the mailbox, and all of a sudden now I might need to protect my arms and my legs

and my THROAT

from being ripped out by this dick of a dog!

I looked around and–wouldn’t you know it? NOT a stick or rock or 12 gauge shotgun anywhere in sight.

AS SOON AS HE SAW ME LOOK AWAY…

He charged at me.

THAT MADE ME SO DAMN ANGRY!!  WHO THE HELL DID THIS DOG THINK HE WAS, ANYWAY?!?!

I screamed at him and I was

VERY LOUD!!!

very    ALPHA DOG.

He was running at me, there was maybe about ten feet between us. I ran at HIM!

I was Furious!  Enraged!

I scared the dog!

He backed down–but for a moment I wasn’t sure that he would. I had time to envision plunging

my cellphone-clutching fist right down that big shaggy maw–

just moments before…

…he veered away from me, hackles up and growling–

barking like the big bully that he was.

***

I walked the rest of the way to the mailbox with a huge adrenaline rush, and my heart was thumping so hard I could feel it in my ears.

Now I had to turn around and

GO BACK

as there was no other way home.

I looked for, and found a big rock to carry with me.  He was there by his gate, all hunkered down. I started telling him off when I was still pretty far away from him–

“HEY YOU BIG STUPID JERK DOG! DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO BITE ME! I’LL BITE YOU!!”

He barked and growled but he did not try it again.

I managed to return home unharmed, which was a relief, and great exercise too–as my heart got a fabulous cardio work-out.

I called my friend Rex and told him what happened.

“You should go for the eyes…” was his advice.

WHAT? You mean those two beady little DOTS, located behind the eight rows of pointy teeth?   HAHAHA!  (Insane Laughter)

I said, “Well, the GOOD news is that–cold as it was, I felt

A Little Bit Warmer, when my pee was running down my legs…

which then of course, froze and made me colder over all, by the time I got home.  OK not really.

~~Joking~~  ……

But JEEBUS! What a sucky way to end the year, to be (nearly) bitten by some damn DOG!

I am pleased that I stood my ground and I never turned my back on him; otherwise he might’ve tried to bite me in the butt.

I haven’t got a lot of good things to say about 2010. I hope that, after it goes–

that we will never speak of 2010 again!

At least I know it could’ve been a little

bite

worse..

*  *  *  *

*  *  *  *

A FOOTNOTE:

I want to give my most heart-felt condolences to Pat Russell. Her husband, Bob Russell, passed away on Christmas day. Bob

was an awesome guy! I liked him a lot and so did hundreds of other people!   The world will keep on turning around without him–

but it won’t be as much fun here without Bob Russell. He could really make me laugh!

Bon Voyage, Coach Russell!


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