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CONFECTIONARY WARS

November 19, 2011

A sort of a satire….

By dEb O’Neil  11/17/11

***

The Imperial Counsel got together with the Forum To Prevent Obesity and they worked hard and long, until they passed the law. That was way back in 2022….

 

When They Outlawed Ice Cream.

 

Oh, some folks were very angry about it and they marched on Washington. The President addressed the nation that August.

“Ice cream is bad for you. People…People! Calm yourselves…this is for your OWN GOOD! It will make you fat.”

The crowds reacted to that harsh dictum. There were riots and looting. Even in places where that never happened…freezers were ransacked and emptied of their gallons, half gallons, rounds and squares. Ice milk and the diet shit was all that remained. Ice cream trucks were tipped over and torched. Almost overnight vanilla extract was gone from every shelf in America.

Chocolate?

Well, chocolate had become quite rare following the Mexican/South American/American war with Switzerland. When the skirmish ended (Winter of 2018), the tragic results were witnessed by the carnage; hundreds upon hundreds of Keebler elves lay dead, murdered in the Uprising. The fjords ran BROWN with Hershey’s syrup…

(Obligatory Hitchcock reference)

People were able to obtain small amounts of swiss miss cocoa mix on the black market, but it was VERY expensive.

The worst was butterfat. You could not get butterfat ANYWHERE.!  Oh sure, there was the Physician’s recommendation for Butterfat. What a scam that was! You had to pay $265 to be seen by the “DR”, and then IF he thought you looked sick enough he would prescribe a small amount of butter for you to rub on your burned fingers.

The police had a saying,

SHOOT TO KILL   FOR A LIL’ PAT O BUTTER…

 

 

 

***

 

Strawberries….

Ahhhh…LUSCIOUS red strawberries! How I miss them. Strawberries were outlawed in the early 2020’s. They were illegal to possess or to transport across state lines (each one of those little teeny seeds would cost you a $600 fine). BTW, State lines were eliminated (photo-shopped off every map and GPS in the country) in 2021. That–was caused by the massive sit-in demonstration (forever dubbed the “Momentous Disagreement”) as a result of the newly adopted and ratified Calorie Curfew. *

~~~

*The whole story is covered in the multi-part series of multi-parts on the Discovery Channel’s (series), The Chronicles of Chow;  most specifically in  the episode entitled, “The Mighty Minnesota Beef Gravy Explosion”.

~~~

The penalty for PCC (Possession of a Creamy Confectionary) was STRICT.  The harsh sentence could be doubled if the Accused tested positive for coconut.

You could no longer obtain the supplies (rock salt, ice, cream and flavoring) necessary for making your own. It became quite common for hoodlums and gang members to break into empty foreclosed homes where they would “Home-churn”.

Always their activities were dangerous and destined to fail by the notable presence of a gaggle of neighborhood cats who—attracted by the smell of curds and whey, would be gathered at the back, mewing and scratching on the screen door. That was a dead giveaway–that

A Churnin’ was goin’ down inside!

You see, the problem, in a nutshell…was SUGAR.

Originally, historically…

Sugar(molasses) was transported onboard ships bound for England, where it was made into rum.

RUMMMMMMMYummmmmRuuumMMM!

(where was I?)

(Oh yes…)

Rum was used to purchase slaves but—slavery being now abolished and there are hardly any people signing up for the slavery correspondence courses available online…

So No More Slaves…and Consequently, no more SUGAR! That is…after all the necessary

Rum-Making…

So–

No More Sugar….

              N     O         M    O    R    E        S     U     G     A     R     !!!!!

 

Utter Chaos Ensued.

Trash cans toppled.  Streets were littered.  Dogs were made fun of.  A few old ladies were forced to return sale items.  It was eerily similar to the Aftermath of the Labor Day Weekend Dairy Product Revolt,

When “Udder” chaos ensued.

The underdog and hero of that famous fracas (can you say ‘Famous Fracas’ three times fast!?) of that historically inaccurate account, is a man named Gilbert Knuckledragon. Gilbert was in the slammer doing a 5 to 10 year stretch on a charge of felony violation of the vehicle code: Rocky road Rage. He was mopping the gym floor one day at Sing/Quentin/Sing prison, when a guard overheard a short conversation between Gilbert and another inmate. Moments later Gilbert erupted violently, screaming,

“SPRINKLES!  SPRINKLES???  ARE YOU NUTS????!!  YOU HAVEN’T GOT THE MARSHMALLOWS TO TAKE SPRINKLES!!!!”

Gilbert shivved the man in the guts and they carried the guy out on a stretcher. Gilbert was charged with the crime and 35 years were added onto his sentence. Unfortunately, he was accidentally released on bail when he was able to successfully post a bond with some forged $100,000 Dollar Bars, a roll of chocolate coins and a Payday.

***

The people

erected a statue honoring Gilbert in Central Park. It WAS…… an abstract made from blueberry waffles and whipped cream.

The pigeons ate it in nine and a half minutes.

The rats ate the pigeons in 7.8523116 nanoseconds.

 

 

 

 

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